


No Lies

by Somebodys_Hermione



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, Spoilers for Ep 102, but the feelings are all real, incredibly sappy conversations, the inherent eroticism of taking watches together, with potentially magic induced vulnerability, ~technically~ canon compliant?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:48:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25543123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Somebodys_Hermione/pseuds/Somebodys_Hermione
Summary: In which yasha and beau are (trying to be) honest with each other about love and being lovedpost episode 101
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha
Comments: 4
Kudos: 136





	No Lies

This island was fucking with her brain. Well, this island was fucking with all of their brains, but Beau didn't really like how off-balance she felt. Like she was standing next to a huge cliff she could fall off at any second. And she couldn't even see the goddamn cliff. 

That's probably what she’d say for the reason why she didn't keep her mouth shut. Not that she thought anyone was likely to ask (most people hadn't even seen her do it), but yeah. That was the reason. Stupid fucking magic memory fucky island. Makes you do stupid fucky things. Say things you shouldn't. 

They’d decided to camp out for the night before going to see Vokodo, and their new nightly ritual contained a level of intimacy Beau was unused to. _My name is Beauregard Lionett, I'm from Kamordah._ _My father's name is Thoreau, and I have a little brother named TJ._ Everyone already knew those things, but saying them out loud, admitting, and claiming their existence instead of just accepting them as irrelevant facts? That was what you did with people who really mattered. People who you’d call family because you knew you could trust them with the darkest parts of yourself and they wouldn't run. Of course, it was happening on the fucky memory island, but still. It felt like it really mattered, even if it was in a way that Beau wasn't sure she could explain. 

As they went around the circle, Beau couldn't help being absolutely transfixed with Yasha. Of course, that wasn't anything all that new, but ever since they’d rescued Yasha from Obann, something had been different. The barbarian seemed just a little...lighter. Yasha joked more. She laughed more. She was more open with compliments. And...and sometimes Beau would swear she saw something in the other woman’s eyes. Something...soft? And fuck Beau would sometimes even let herself be convinced that there was something like longing there too. As if Yasha would ever actually feel that. As if Beau could actually ever be a person that deserved those feelings. As if. 

But as Beau sat across from Yasha and listened to the other woman tell her story, it was impossible to ignore how badly she wanted to take Yasha into her arms and promise that the future would have less heartbreak than the future. And fuck, she knew it was selfish, but there was nothing Beau wanted more than for there to exist a future where Yasha’s story had her in it too, on the list of all the people Yasha loved. Because gods if Beau didn't want Yasha in her own story. If Yasha would let her, Beau would happily fill a thousand futures with her. 

She hadn’t really even noticed volunteering for watch. All she’d known was that she hadn’t wanted the fuzzy emotions she got to feel when Yasha was around to end, so when the barbarian volunteered for watch, Beau had too. 

She hadn’t known what to say, but that was alright because she was perfectly happy to just watch Yasha exist for however long she could. And it turns out she hadn’t even needed to, because, after several minutes, Yasha was gently whispering into the night, as if she wasn’t even expecting a response. “It is kind of scary, that we could forget just by being here.”

“Yeah,” and Beau paused. “Though I do have some memories I might be better off losing.”

“I think we all have those” and the pain written on Yasha’s face was so clear that Beau almost reached out, but before she could, Yasha’s expression turned into something that looked something like calm. “But I think we all have memories we’d like to keep too.”

And she wasn’t sure what made her say something so monumentally stupid, but Beau was feeling honest that night (she blamed the island, but the truth was that Yasha had always made Beau want to be honest). “Yasha...what’s it like being married?”

She wanted to kick herself for saying something designed to bring up such painful memories, but to her surprise, Yasha smiled and turned to look at her. “It’s really nice, Beau.” And before Beau could respond, Yasha was turning away slightly flushed while making the joke, “You should try it sometime.”

Fighting through the parts of her brain screaming about the implications, Beau tried very hard to sound nonchalant, and she almost succeeded too. “I...I don’t think I’d be any good at being married,” with a mildly nervous laugh. 

“Oh, I don’t know Beau, I don’t think it is that hard” Yasha was pointedly avoiding eye contact at that moment, which was extremely unfortunate, because Beau would have liked nothing more than to see Yasha’s eyes when she said, “You just need to love someone and let them love you.”

And, oh, fuck whatever they put in the water here that made Beau want to bare her soul for absolutely no good reason, because she couldn't even stop herself from responding, “I don’t think I know  _ how _ to be loved.”

Yasha, to her infinite credit, simply laughed softly in what Beau thought might be understanding. “It’s not supposed to be hard, Beau...that’s not supposed to be the hard part.”

“Yeah, I know.” There was a hard lump of sadness in her stomach because Beau couldn’t stand the thought that Yasha felt the same inability to accept love that she did because Yasha deserved so much love. Yasha deserved so much, so many things that Beau couldn't give her, so she settled on just talking a little bit more. “I just...I feel like I could  _ learn _ how to love someone else. I mean, I’ve already learned so fucking much about how to care with you guys, and if I met...someone I’d keep practicing how to love them in the way they deserve every goddamn day. But...no matter what I do, I can’t imagine ever really convincing myself that another person’s love wasn’t a fucking lie, you know?”

“I do know.” Yasha was looking at her again, and suddenly Beau was pinned in place. She might have had a deep realization about personhood and brokenness and the bonds we make with other people if she wasn’t too busy thinking about how  _ fucking badly _ she wanted Yasha to just cradle her head in her hands and then Beau could reach up and brush that small stand of hair out of Yasha’s eyes and it might all be ok. That they might manage to be ok. 

Of course, that didn't happen, but Yasha did keep talking and that was almost enough. 

“I do think that...the more you let yourself love someone, the harder it is to believe that they would lie to you.”

“I mean, you are a pretty terrible liar” Which, again, was a truly stupid response that also had Implications that Beau wasn’t super interested in dealing with, but somehow she didn’t bolt. She liked Yasha’s presence too much. Especially since Yasha was laughing, an actual genuine laugh that made Beau feel warm. 

“No, you are right, you are a much better liar to me.”

“I wouldn’t lie to you Yash’,” and now it was Beau’s turn to avoid eye contact because she could feel Yasha’s stare while she was feigning intense interest in the nearby trees. It wasn't hard to imagine the look on the other woman’s face, especially once Beau heard her voice, tinged with confusion and some deeper emotion. 

“Thank...thank you, Beau. That means a lot.”

“Yeah, of course, fucking- of course, right, yeah, is it- is it almost the end of our watch?” Yasha had finally looked away again, but for a heartbeat Beau allowed herself to believe that Yasha might love her back, because she’d made a decision that night when she’d decided that she did, in fact, love Yasha even if it was stupid and pointless and have the potential to ruin the group if it went wrong. But Beau had also made the decision that if somehow, by the grace of some god powerful enough to pull shit like this, Yasha managed to love her back she was going to believe this woman with every fiber of her being. 

Besides, she  _ was  _ right: Yasha couldn’t lie for shit. 

**Author's Note:**

> shoutout to TheWisdomQueen for letting me make her read my writing


End file.
